Healing AD(H)D (part 2) - No more ritalin
A long walk till freedom, but victory nonetheless. Byeee methylfenidate!
The healing period
The shaman told me he could help, and so I embarked on a new healing journey.
Our sessions had two main focuses: supporting me in stopping methylphenidate and helping me reconnect with my body and the present moment, rather than constantly disappearing into my mind.
Nothing happened immediately.
For about 2 months, life continued as normal.
Then everything became worse.
Not a little worse.
Much worse.
The mental clutter intensified to a degree I had never experienced before. Instead of becoming calmer, my mind became even noisier. I cannot put into words how difficult it became to concentrate. This analogy comes close: it was as if there was a ‘blanket of thoughts’ between me and the laptop screen or whatever paperwork was in front of me. As if my inner world was so ‘dense’ it clouded my eyesight itself. Insanity! I was low key angry at myself for going again for such an intense healing. When you are on the other side you are always thankful for the healing but when you are in the midst of it it’s a true fight with yourself: parts of you are not doing what you want, you get the full-on opposite result experience, you are drowning in self-pity, you question the healing, you question life and you feel like a crazy person because you are.
At the time, it felt as though the healing had failed completely.
It resembled what had happened after my eating disorder sessions. Before the pattern finally disappeared, it first intensified, as though it was exhausting itself before letting go.
At the time, however, I had no idea whether that was true for this issue as well.
I simply had to keep walking into the unknown, again.
Healing methylfenidate dependance
My concentration deteriorated so much that I increased my methylphenidate dosage just to function.
That, of course, also amplified everything I disliked about the medication. The hollow feeling. The anxiety. The constant fear that its effects would wear off before I had finished my work. Being constantly ‘on edge’ and spectacularly socially awkward (if I didn't manage myself well - which, fortunately, I usually did).
I believe to this day, all my challenges have remained largely unobserved by others, because I was good at managing them. It wasn't because I was afraid of being judged; if that were the case, I certainly wouldn't be writing these blogs. Rather, I've always felt that if someone pays you to do a job, you should deliver and I've never liked the idea of making my struggles someone else's problem. My thing, my responsibility. My friends always knew however, I don’t hide these things. I think it bonds you to the right people. I’m blessed to have friends that are there for me when I ask for support, but generally let me do my own thing completely and trust that I will be alright. Which I - of course - fully reciprocate.
Back to the ordeal..
At one point the suffering from methylfenidate became almost comical. I hated the meds so much, yet it was the first thing I thought about when I woke up. It’s this double feeling: you are going through hell so it provides relief, but it’s also one of the reasons you are going through hell. I called my doctor twice and asked them to PLEASE! stop the prescription because I did not want it anymore. They refused. Twice!! They said it was my right to receive the prescription, and they couldn't take it away because I needed it for my AD(H)D. It was an absurd situation 😅
So I developed a ridiculous ritual. I'd pick up the prescription and throw it in the public bin.
Then, a few days later, I'd regret it.
I'd convince myself I needed it after all and call the practice to ask whether I could already receive next month's prescription. All excuses were used: the prescription is at my mum’s, I’m traveling and I need it for the holidays, I lost it, I’m in a transition period and I need extra medications. Omg doctors! Just take it away when someone acts like this!*
The medication wasn't even helping anymore. At this point it was just about the 10 minute dopamine lift! This is because the concentration problems were now coming from somewhere entirely different. But how do you explain that to a doctor? ‘The shamanic healing has amplified my AD(H)D pattern before it leaves and now I’m stuck with what seems to have developed into a dependancy but it doesn’t even work anymore.’ It’s not something you say to conservative institutions.
This madness continued for a staggering 1 year and 3 months.
Then one day I was lying on the couch, and I dozed off. I had a dream that the two parts of my brain (right and left) were woven together. I woke up and knew I’d never use the meds again. I called my doctor and said I was mature enough to do life without medications. This time - how interesting - they said okay and took away the prescription. And indeed, I never used, nor wanted them again.
It’s in these moments that I feel an overwhelming sense of love for the magical mechanics of the Universe. Through the intense roller coaster of the last months, my ‘energetic make-up’ had changed and did not resonate anymore with methylfenidate. I was now a different person. My life reorganized itself naturally around the new energy field and the new identity. I never thought of the meds and the issue again till now that I’m writing this blog.
From one day to the next it was as if all of this madness had never taken place.
In part 3 I elaborate on how my concentration came back.
If you feel you’d like support with your AD(H)D, you can reach out to me. I’d recommend doing multiple sessions, with homework in-between. The sessions will include everything I used to heal: shamanic healing with systemic work influences, parts work, stream-of-consciousness writing and deep bodywork (Healing Energy Massage).
*I’m describing my mind’s dialogue. I’m grateful to my doctors for their trust, care and support. I would have done the same thing if I were in their position.
